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 Secret marriage...?

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Tirin

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PostSubject: Secret marriage...?   Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:43 pm

A few days ago I got a text from my best friend saying she got married. Of course I thought she was joking since she's only 19 (almost 20) years old and has only been dating her boyfriend for less than 2 months. It turned out she was serious though, and she had kept it a secret for over a week. She didn't even tell her mom, but moreover, she didn't tell me - her best friend! What am I suppoed to think about that?!

Not only do I feel "betrayed" but I also feel like this is the most stupid thing she has ever done. I mean, I was so happy for her having found a great guy, but marrying him? - after less than 2 months of knowing each other??? Am I supposed to be supportive of this? I mean, I am her friend, but aren't friends supposed to talk some sense into each other? I guess it's too late now...

Marriage is so much more than just a symbol of love, plus he's not a Swedish citizen. He is an exchange student from Russia, so what if he only married her to become a citizen here? Who knows, there could be a hidden agenda since there was such a rush to get married...

I just felt like I had to share this with you girls, I feel so unsure of what to think about it. What would you guys think if it was your friend? :/
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Lyiasha



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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:14 pm

I understand why you'd be worried about the secrecy of it but all you can do is support her in her choice.If you say that this is the dumbest thing she's ever done and she really loves this guy,you may lose friendship with her.And she probably didnt tell you because she knows that from your point of view this might not be the best decision.So I think you should be supportive but if you see that things are a little off respectfully let her know what you think and express it in a way that she knows that you arent attacking or judging her but thinking about her welfare.If it was my friend I'd invite her over for lunch to talk about it.
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Hikitty
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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Fri Oct 29, 2010 10:08 am

On one hand there's always going to be people who argue that she's your best friend and you should support her all the time. On the other hand there are people with sense that will tell you that best friends care for and most importantly look out for their friend -- and that includes telling them when they've made a bad decision. I suggest you invite her over, crucially without her new husband tagging along, and tell her how you feel about everything; the betrayal, your worries over his motives and how you think she has rushed things and entered into this too quickly. Does she even really know him? Probably not.

She may get angry, she probably will be when you cast doubt on her husband and her, but she needs to listen to how it sounds to an outsider. I'm not saying tell her to break up, I'm certainly not saying pick a fight or dump her friendship, but as friends you both have a mutual responsibility to be honest and to listen to the other's complaints. You need to talk to her and she needs to listen.

I have a friend in a similar situation. She's seventeen and currently living with an American boy she met over the internet less than a year ago. Long story short, her parents have disowned her. She has no financial aid, he can't get a job without a work visa and they're living on borrowed funds. He keeps her separate from us, her friends, in their free time. When she's at college with us, all she does is sleep in the library. None of us like him, we all think it's a terrible idea and that she's made her life very, very difficult. Try and make sure your friend doesn't get into this situation.

That being said, this relationship may be genuine and may work out for them both. Only time will tell. If she were my friend I'd give her a piece of my mind about it. I wouldn't support her decision, or her relationship, but I'm not going to try and sabotage it or abandon her. You need to decide what will happen between you with your friend.
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Mizukodomo14

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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Sat Oct 30, 2010 3:56 am

No I have to Agree with Hikitty on this one.
I'm more of a hard-nosed type of person when it comes to crap like this, so I'd tell them that I think this is stupid, you're stupid, but I'll still be there to clean up the mess...again.
It happens a lot.
Just tell her what you honestly think. But also reassure her that you'll STILL BE THERE. That's the most important part Imo.
good luck hun <3
My thoughts are w/ u
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Tirin

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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Sat Oct 30, 2010 5:18 am

Thanks for the advices everyone! I know I have to really sit down and talk to her about it. I feel like we've been through a lot together and nothing like this will ruin our friendship. As for now, our friendship is the same as before, just she's married, but I really need to speak my mind about the whole marriage thing, face to face with her. My sister is studying to become a lawyer, so she told me a lot of stuff about marriage... and I just feel like my friend needs to know.
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applesugar

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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:38 pm

Sorry if this kinda late, but I feel like I should put in some input to this.

I'm 19 years old, been with my 21 year old boyfriend for 5 years on November 16th. Now, every couple's situation IS different, but I thought for the longest time I would be with this guy forever. Nowadays, that isn't looking very certain. Five years, let alone 2 MONTHS is no where near long enough time for that age group to decide who you will be with for the rest of your life. Again, one moment, or for years you can think the person you are with will last forever. People CHANGE. Especially during the years where most of that particular age group is in college. If you love her, which I'm guess you do, it down with her and tell her straight up how you feel. This doesn't mean to be harsh or mean. Be understanding and gentle, yet still make sure you get your point across.

Good luck! Very Happy
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Hikitty
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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:06 am

applesugar wrote:
Again, one moment, or for years you can think the person you are with will last forever. People CHANGE.
God, I cannot emphasize this enough. Two months isn't even enough time for people to even consider letting down their guard and letting you know the real them, you've still got to break through that 'ideal' mask they've put on to make you like them in the first place. I really don't know what to think of people who meet someone and within a few months they're convinced they'll be together forever, when they really haven't known each other long enough to understand the other fully.
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Tirin

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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:37 pm

Hikitty wrote:
applesugar wrote:
Again, one moment, or for years you can think the person you are with will last forever. People CHANGE.
God, I cannot emphasize this enough. Two months isn't even enough time for people to even consider letting down their guard and letting you know the real them, you've still got to break through that 'ideal' mask they've put on to make you like them in the first place. I really don't know what to think of people who meet someone and within a few months they're convinced they'll be together forever, when they really haven't known each other long enough to understand the other fully.

I totally agree with you! You don't really know each other after 2 months, it's nothing!! That's why this is such an issue for me! I can understand she's madly in love with this guy, but she can't love him because she doesn't really know him!! and with all the laws and stuff about marriage, I just think this is plain stupidity.
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Hikitty
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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:03 pm

Marriage is such a serious commitment and has heavy responsibilities and repercussions you need to appreciate before entering it. Why people leap into within months is beyond me. You will be stuck with this person for awhile. It sounds as if your friend is madly in lust with her boyfriend, not in love, and she's still in the giddy 'honeymoon' period of the early relationship where everything is happy and marvellous all the time. For her sake I hope she can make this marriage work and she's not just being used!
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Bijou

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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Thu Nov 11, 2010 2:41 pm

applesugar wrote:
Sorry if this kinda late, but I feel like I should put in some input to this.

I'm 19 years old, been with my 21 year old boyfriend for 5 years on November 16th. Now, every couple's situation IS different, but I thought for the longest time I would be with this guy forever. Nowadays, that isn't looking very certain. Five years, let alone 2 MONTHS is no where near long enough time for that age group to decide who you will be with for the rest of your life. Again, one moment, or for years you can think the person you are with will last forever. People CHANGE. Especially during the years where most of that particular age group is in college. If you love her, which I'm guess you do, it down with her and tell her straight up how you feel. This doesn't mean to be harsh or mean. Be understanding and gentle, yet still make sure you get your point across.

Good luck! Very Happy

I've been in pretty much exactly the same situation as you and I agree so much! Honestly, so many young people rush in to things and think they're going to be "together forever" just because it's their first relationship thats lasted more then six months or whatever. Everyone knows marriage is no guarantee of lifelong commitment or fidelity so why are so many people so desperate to tie themselves down, often at such a young age as well. If you really love each other, then surely you'll still be together in a few years time, regardless if you get married or not.

But yeah, being a good friend doesn't mean you have to blindly support every decision she makes, regardless of how foolish.
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Brackishx

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PostSubject: Re: Secret marriage...?   Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:47 am

Wow.
That's a really sticky situation.
My cousin did the same thing actually.
Her boyfriend was a US marine and when he wasn't in iraq for two year long periods he would have to spend a year on US soil training. The only way that she was allowed to stay on base with him was if they were married. So they got married. She didn't tell anybody until about 6 months later. The only differance was she had dated him three years prior to this.
I definatly see the arguments on two sides: You're her best friend you have to be honest with her, or you can just be supportive. But the one thing that DEFINATLY alarms me is the fact that he is an exchange student. In Canada, if they had gotten married after two month and he applied for perminate citizinship.. They would both be BONED. I know in Canada they are really cracking down on this because it's actually concidered fraud now I believe. They would be interrigated for month. But I can only imagine things would be differant in Sweden. Thats one thing i'm worried about for sure, I hope thin guy isn't a con artist or something and is just using your friend for perminate cits.
And only two month! That's 'honey moon' period!

For me. I think I would kindly tell your best friend the possibility of her being used for perminate cits..
In my opinion, if she asks what you really think about the ordeal.. Do it. Tell her you think she's stupid for doing it. Ne honest. But if she doesn't I wouldn't say anything..
When people are in 'Love' they are blind as a diabetic bat. And if she's in love with him enough to get married to him after two month? I've tried many times to confront some of my close girlfriends who have been in borderline abusive relationships that their boyfriends are shit and it hardly works.. :/
I don't know, that's just how I'd kinda deal with it.
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